Friday, January 20, 2012

Feelings and Expectations

Something that I realized that I need to really work on is my tendency to eat my feelings.  Proud, stressed, happy or sad, the tendency to celebrate/medicate with food is just not going to cut it. 

Yesterday I made the tough decision to start the road to weaning my son.  While the decision is partially being made for my by my body, the majority of it rests with my head.  I'm sad and feeling like a failure, and maybe three months ago that would have justified some ice cream.  Not anymore!  I don't have that crutch to hold me up - now I have to let myself feel the sadness and work on reminding myself of what a success I am.  It's hard!  It was a lot easier when I could shut myself up with something to eat!

Speaking of feeling like a failure, another thing I am worrying about these days are the expectations that surround someone who has had weight loss surgery.  Even I feel like I will be expecting a good weight loss each week, and that just isn't going to happen no matter how perfectly I follow the program.  But the little voice inside my head wants to know why this time will be different - why I think I'll succeed this time, etc etc.  It seems so improbable and impossible, and yet I am throwing myself into the fray once again. 

Again, I will have to work on not turning to food to answer these questions or provide yet more evidence of my goodness or badness.  It just is.  It will take time and I will get there, I just need to have confidence and remember a loss is a loss is a loss.  I hope in time I re-read these words and think "why was I ever afraid of failure?"

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Baby food never tasted so good!

That title is actually a lie - one, because I make J's baby food myself from regular food, and two, because I didn't eat baby food today!  Nonetheless, mushy foods it is since my dietitian has approved it.  My first attempt was 1/4 cup hummus (delicious!) that went down fine.  At this point, I think I am just so, so, SO scared of pain or PBs or anything that I'm taking it super slow (I literally ate off a baby spoon.)  The idea of refried beans with cheese sounds amazing, but I am a little scared.  I can see I'm going to have trouble getting in the protein this way though, so I'm sure protein shakes (or in my case, Carnation Instant Breakfast + scoop Unjury) are still going to play a big role.

This is my new normal - thinking about every single thing that goes in my mouth...not just what, but how and when.  I'm feeling a little better though now that I have so many more options.  Hooray!

Monday, January 16, 2012

One week down.

Starting weight: 225.8
Weigh-in today: 216

So that's 9.8lbs down, hooray!  At least all of this liquid is worth something, right?

I've yo-yo'ed so much in my life that I am really working hard to take this as a step in the right direction instead of feeling like I'm just doing the same things over and over.  Because this time, I will hopefully never see the 220's again - when it seems really hard and I think "why did I get this band?" I remind myself that the band is my tool to lose and to KEEP IT OFF!  Something I've struggled with and I'm sure we all have. 

So, first almost 10lbs gone, hooray!  Although it's a lot I don't expect this rate to keep up at all (and I'm sure next Monday I'll see that reflected, though I still have a week of full liquids to go.)

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Mommy, You're So Fat!

I have somehow made it 32 years without being called fat to my face (that I remember) until tonight, when my adorable 3 year old cupped my cheeks and told me I was "so have fat cheeks!"  Do I think she actually knows what that means?  Nope.  And given my genetics, I am really hoping she never knows - her father has never had a weight problem, so maybe she'll get lucky.  But by God, that's one of the reasons I am determined to succeed - so my kids won't have a fat mom, and so maybe they will have a fighting chance at a healthy life growing up, something that I lacked, and am only coming to terms with now.

My husband and I talked tonight about "the easy way out" and an article I saw linked somewhere else as I was reading blogs to keep me motivated.  At this point, my family knows about my surgery and they know how long I've struggled, so I couldn't care less about their opinion on the easy way.  I think what I've identified is two things - people either feel their weight loss success is cheapened by those of us taking this route, or it's out and out jealousy.  I know jealousy has led me to make unkind remarks in the past for sure.  As for those who have been able to do it the "hard" way, good for them - but after 32 years I'd like something to be easy for once (which this is not!)

Tomorrow is my first official weigh in and I expect to see about 7lbs gone based on the scale today.  I did not do the pre-op diet (one, because my BMI is on the lower end and two, because I'm nursing and the dietitian advised against it), so this is the first real weigh in.  At 7lbs gone, I will be in a new 10lb range and 7lbs away from my (admittedly high) pre-pregnancy weight.  With a secret goal of 80lbs to lose and a realistic goal of 70lbs, that's a good chunk of the way there!  Must remember that, and keep up my motivation through the next week of full liquids (mushy food cannot get here fast enough!)

Baby, you were banded this way.

Anyone who tells you weight loss surgery is the easy way out has never had weight loss surgery.  Maybe they are jealous of the potential, maybe they really believe you can do it yourself, or maybe they are just afraid.  Either way, it's not the easy way out.

I was banded on January 10th.  So far I've lost about 7lbs on the post-op "full liquids" diet and I'm so sick of shakes that I was never so happy to see soup in my life.  But I'm almost  through the first week, and by God I'm going to get through the second week and on to mushies if it kills me.

Yesterday I was feeling pretty down and frustrated - I'm not hungry, just so grossed out by my vitamins and the protein power - that I started googling "Lap band blogs."  I read through the entirety of a few and thought perhaps I should start my own to chronicle this time - we'll see if it sticks.  For now, I'm glad to be through the surgery and well into recovery.  I have one incision site that hurts (my port) but I can lay on my stomach and sleep with no problem and nurse my son no problem.

I've been overweight and fat pretty much my whole life, so I can't wait to see where I go!  

PS - When I've been walking I've been listening to the Glee version of "Born This Way" - hence the "Banded This Way."  Although the song is about loving who you are no matter what, I like to think that by loving myself so much I decided to take this step.